not knowing what a single thing is

I was painting
in process
which means watching what I feel and think
while painting...

already one breakthrough
and a plateau had been reached
small marks
reenter the bodies

then I could feel the energy building
and I asked what wanted to join in
and the sense of the three bodies being embraced came

and it came from far away in the mountain
like a tail of a snake
and it moved behind the bodies
but when it came around the right side
it wasn't a snake any more
it was just a black ribbon like force of nature

or whatever

it was just what it was
and it entered one body
and exited here and entered there.
it was free to move in and out.

then the openings and exitings called my attention

and that was what i wanted to write about
that i painted these entrances and exits
not knowing more than that,
that they were entrances and exits

I painted with a care that I hadn't known before for something that I didn't know what it was.
that's all.
just that.

a new experience of not knowing as loving.



Da Free John, the Heart Master had a lovely little book for children called What to Remember to be Happy.
it was kind of like our bible while the boys were growing up.

No one,
not your mother, your father,
a doctor, a fireman
a priest, a teacher, a lawyer
or people who are working

No one knows what a single thing is.
this is the Mystery
this is the secret of being happy
from the time you are small
to the time you are old.

No one knows what a single thing is.
to be happy
to keep on loving and
to not be afraid
keep on remembering and feeling
God or the Mystery.

red in process

red again
these paintings begin to stand on their own
as they are
in process
transparent
holding the possibility
as yet unrevealed.

dots are necessary to complete a dot
connecting the dots comes naturally.

color moves from light blue to white to yellow
each moment in response
to all that came before,
now.

then the red arrives
and the expansion is felt
dots grow in size
the painter is saturated in red
and something feels complete.

my heart beat is felt
thrilled to be connected
and expressed.

shards

let mind run away from a shard,
turning it into an angel fish
and you'll have what mind wants:
something interesting.

stay with the shards
and let them fall
let them fall
let them fall,

and you'll have nothing,
which is everything.


i could feel where the shards came from, they issued out of intuition, through the painting.
Mind wanted to name them, make them knowable.
It feared the shard.
The angel fish clearly came from my imagination.
I'm watchful not to get caught in the meaning of the shards, either.
Letting them come and go.

yellow completion

those red pulsing threads

returning to the thread of a painting requires trust
and willingness to hang out in i don't know
or any judgement that jumps in to keep company with
"i don't know"

the red pulse magnified by brown lines
grew more and more bold
and still
we found a way in further,
there was still a doorway to open

how?
was it as simple (yes) as to invite another color?
i could feel the answer was yellow

the yellow began to bubble
and then

the brush found its way
rounding out the circles of yellow
bubbling here and there and there

it was like breathing
like the painting was breathing now,
whereas before it was just pulsing, beautifully.

astonished
i painted yellow circles
until i knew the satisfaction
and quiet thrill of completion.

one gesture

a new kind of beginning
one mark at a time
one stroke
one gesture.

the twins

I'm a bit stunned by where this piece took me.
at the beginning of our class, one of the women shared that the definition of God is surprise.
indeed.


freed of the image
the brush knows
and dances,
surprise!

Processing Life in Paint - who's processing who?

After I titled this blog Processing Life in Paint, I began to ponder  -  of course.

I am not saying that I am processing life, surely it is processing me.
In fact, in a very real way, it is processing me right out of the room,
leaving me as a quiet pulse of human being,
with or without a paint brush in her hand!

I've made a few attempts to see if I could change the title.
Glad to let it go, to let it be, not to get it right.

It doesn't matter what I call this blog.
I'm glad to have it to express and share what happens to me as I enter this conversation with myself, with the unknowable, with my true self.

What is true in me doesn't look like the painting.
The painting is given its freedom to be itself in the process,
and this is also the gift of the process to me.
There is a simplicity in this.
True self is beyond ideas of great or grand.
It is just real.

There is no mistake in whatever we are called to do, in love.
It will undo us,
drawing us closer and closer and closer to the truth  of ourselves,
in and as each unfolding moment.