hands, holding and reaching out

There is a rhythm in process.


Not knowing what is happening sometimes looms larger into view when the inner current pulls the creative impulse deep below the surface, out of sight.

The last two paintings were like that, unfamiliar enough to open me to the doubting mind. Even when familiar imagery of embryonic spheres appeared, I did not feel connected as I have in the past. Something new is taking form and I can't see it yet.
I'm listening to the body's anxious responses to the unknown. Taking care not to abandon ship nor to retreat to the back of the boat.

And then the hands began to appear again. 
Red and blue, holding and reaching out. 
A lightening heralded some breathing room.

The process continues to unfold.

not needing to understand frees the paint brush

I've mentioned that I am painting alone with the process right now. It's like walking a very new path and all my senses are alert. I found this question today in Michelle Cassou's Book of Questions, it made the way feel wider and I moved with the flow it invited.

"What would I paint if I didn't have to understand what I was doing?"

a new beginning

I am beginning a new painting, meeting the brown man that appeared many paintings ago. Love is flowing, and curiousity. 

Dot after dot. 

Touching, touching, touching, touching. 

Breathing.

the fullness of giving way

giving way to the process

i pass through layer after layer 

of experience.

not knowing the outcome

allowing the not knowing

being the not knowing

i let go 

to the color and shape that has a will of its own

every moment.

this is the first painting i followed through with "on my own."

my classes with Barbara Kaufman are completed for the time being

and i lean into the wealth of gifts received in my time shared with her.

as i learned

in her company

 to listen to my own inner voice

feeling the questions

meeting the conflict that arises within

discovering its innate creative tension

as life itself,

 i give way to the fullness that always waits to be expressed.

with a full heart i continue to paint and live, 

supported without a doubt by this widely shared gift 

of meeting life through process painting.

jai ma!

emergence

life is good

and continues to emerge

beautifully

gesture of gratitude

there is a gesture
from inside
that is so grateful for this process

more than ever
just to do something
to express myself in the moment
with a red line
a pink line
a black dot

the process unfolds me to myself
it enfolds me in presence

i want to keep posting on this unveiling
and it is so profound
and about nothing and everything
that i'm kind of quieted
and eased.

and i'm eased into a real life
with real challenges
and i'm feeling steady and ready
for more.

a kind undoing and joining

Damn! I am just amazed.
To begin this painting with the entry point and to think that I knew what even THAT meant!
Oh, the mind is quite the spinner of the dream. It wants to be the creator, so badly, and it will use the slightest breath of a thought to stay in control!

The heart is the true weaver.

As I finished the previous painting, I could sense that something new was waiting to become known. I was willing to paint to know it. I could see that however I was painting, was the way I would know it. And yet, I could feel that the ways I knew before were not opening the painting further - I tested them but the flow was not there. So, that must have been a sign that it was finished.
The new could not move in the confines of my trying to open the way for it.

As I look at the new painting above (still in process) I can see that the whole appeared out of the womb entry, and in deed, I was born through and as my own form. The vulva and fallopian tubes begat children, pleasure, my self, and unknown galaxies....

I am being new born this spring through my own living process, finding a new strength in my legs. I am standing on my own two feet, in my center.
I am seeing through what comes up within and meeting it.
In the past few weeks I have felt such a new shift in my perspective...from the center everything looks just the way it looks, not more or less - friendly, above all, friendly and kind.

I'm just amazed, again and again for mind to be seen through - through paint - uncovered.
I continue to be in awe to watch knowing be dispelled so generously by this painting process.

Today I learned to hear the difference in a question from the soul and one from the mind.
The question posed by the mind gives me work to do and it does not open any door; it does not open me.
The question the soul asks awakens the dormant life force to come out and play, to join in, to participate.

This dormant life force is also me.
There is an including of myself that is occurring through this process in paint, in meditation and in daily life.
I am learning how to participate in my life.
When there is less of me in the way, there is more of me to smile to listen to pause to respond to paint to write to live and to meet life.

Barbara Kaufman has played such a valuable role in my seeing through what my mind says is so or should be so. She has been my sounding board, my projection, my friend, my mentor this year. I have a long held condition of bowing to authority - that whatever the other presents, I am lead to be that, too. And it is so impossible to be other than myself. I can join in the conversation now, as I am.

This is such a wonderful surrender and homecoming all rolled into one.
Again and again,
and again.
I send out my gratitude to Michelle Cassou for putting her experience and love into a form that we can all receive the best of, for ourselves.
It is a win-win, and that makes the world go round so well. This is the same world we all live in.  We can help one another see our blind spots when we are willing to have the conversation about what is true, through the heart.

It was a long journey to return to the friendly world of myself.
I am no longer an outsider.