self portrait in process

I'm in process.
and loving it.
and hating it!

like this:
I began to paint myself about three weeks ago.
I needed to add another sheet of paper to give myself room to be a full standing figure.
Imagine that, life needs more space to show up!
22x40 just isn't enough, right now.


So, I began another.
and try as I might, to fit the painting onto a full sheet,
I needed more space, again.

I hate to have to keep adding paper to my paintings to give them the room they need!
I don't like folding them up to lay on the growing pile of finished paintings.
I'd rather have this all neat and tidy.

so, that's process painting.
and that's life.
I'm not in control.
I may not always like it, that's no longer the point.

In fact, I am beginning to develop an awareness that holds the whole, as the painting holds the whole; the doubt, the discomfort, the pleasure, the interest, the fascination, the judgement all have room to come, be felt and pass..


And did I mention I am learning kindness through this process?


process painting (which is not about producing a product) has put me in touch with all the ways I have created unhappiness for myself as a painter who paints paintings that need to be seen, appreciated and valued by others.
I did not begin painting 40 years ago with product in mind, but it was there, lingering in the art school hallways.

process painting is helping me see what is still lingering in the hallways of my conditioned self.
process painting is helping me realize what is whole and mine to express and give freedom to.