keeping the connection when challenged by the new

Sometimes I really don’t know what is happening in a painting. 

And I watch myself. 

I see when I am caught by the characters and the story. I am hesitant to make something happen, so I return to a mark, and just let that carry my engagement. 
Often I notice that the disturbance is due to my feeling not connected. There is the thought, I don’t feel connected, I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know who these characters are. 
And I notice a resistance sometimes to naming the characters and letting them be “Her, the Great Mother” and “me, the hairy wild new creature”. 

A story is as much one thought as a train of thoughts.

 I moved too fast into the two figures in this next painting.

Then like I said, I fell into a story, I didn’t like the wild thing any more, and I made a big figure of blue, out of habit. 
I moved too fast.

At the first sight of the wild thing’s hairy arm, I knew I was on the threshold of something new appearing. 
And I got scared.

The wild thing got larger, they met one another face to face.
but I was stopped by my mind.
so, I turned to the dot and covered the figures in blue dots. I was comforting myself not to know how to ask the right question to open up the way.

What would I paint if I didn’t have to know who these two figures were?

What would I paint if I didn’t have to know who this one hairy arm was? 

Maybe that’s it, I was afraid just to be alone with this hairy armed creature.

I painted little evergreen trees on a hill behind them.

What would I paint if I didn’t have to like this wild thing?

What would I paint if I didn’t have to fix this predicament I put myself into?

Splashes of blue from the blue figure to the wild thing.

What would I paint if I didn’t have to connect the two figures in any way?

What would I paint if they didn’t have to be connected to one another?

When I was walking yesterday I heard myself say I wanted to kill the wild thing.

How to do that? I didn’t want to go there.

So now it is full of blue and I’m writing this analysis/commentary instead of painting....

Not a process. Yes, a process.
 I am not in control of or know the direction of this process.

 I want my part in the process to be as fully intuitive as possible. 
I am learning through the forms, how to let go.
My mind does want to take the direction, show me where it is going, help me stay comfortable in knowing, because I am meeting something new in myself.

This is not easy, no one said it was.

I want to learn how to ask the question that reaches below my mind.

I want to discover how to keep the connection during these transitions without relying on the safety of thought/planning/action.

The body senses danger in this opening, not knowing what resides in the darkness.
My awareness remains steady, knowing there is a great container for this alchemy.