painting through the story

i'd been painting lines, alive lines, for months and then in this painting they took a form.
the form they took appeared before my eyes,
i could see the form before the paint landed.

this creature took form.
a wild thing
a small wild thing,
i call it wild maybe it is not wild, just hairy and unknown!.


given some wiring i have about authority
those who know
those who lead
and my wiring for giving authority to others
i felt into painting a large figure to the right of the painting
in relation to this small hairy figure.

a story appeared immediately that she was going to control the wild thing
put it back into its box.

which was a story,
i could feel immediately how it locked me into what to paint next to fulfill this story line....
and i let myself paint it as it came

so i listened and i painted a box
then i noticed
i didn't know if it was coming out of the box or going into the box
so i painted more about the box,
feeling the wall and the roof and the protection/separation inherent in the box

painting through a story called on my self trust,
to keep painting as the story kept forming
to know that i don't know

then i noticed the possibility, the feeling, that this large figure was actually not controlling the wild thing but assisting it out of its box.

well, that could be as true as the story of control, and actually that felt, well,
 like, why not?

there was a benevolence to the sense of this possibility in comparison to the known story i've always held about the authorities in my life.
where does all the negative wiring live, is it as real as the benevolent truth behind all stories?

when i asked if anyone else could join the painting, i was first feeling this eye to belong to the other side of the woman's face, and it became a being in its own right.

perhaps that's what is happening,
i am becoming a being in my own right.
the gray figure
bodied by the house and open doorway
might be the ghost of my former self,
holding that wild thing inside for so long....
that's one way to analyze it.

the unconscious gives me images
when i dream in paint
i am more often able to name them.

the benevolence here is the key.
michelle cassou wrote that the creative process is benevolent and i have always felt how important that is for me to remember.
the stories I tell myself are so often harsh and limiting,
it is time to discover a new story line, based on a felt sense of what is true and good.
we need that kind of empathic story line to take on greater meaning...

in the end, beginning now, i don't know what any of this means,
it could mean this, too
 shame,
unworthiness
and it's out now.
seen.

tender
 it is tender and new
i don't know why it appears so hairy, but it is!

this is a mystery
and it is interesting to me not to know
but to trust this as a process,
revealing what lives
beneath the story lines.

I trust my intuition.